Living in the in between...

So, more ramblings for cyberspace…we are having a snow afternoon today (or sleet…it’s really slippery out there)… just in time for me to finish my paper on Community Based Programming Youth Development, write a ministry plan, and spend some time writing on here... Tonight I'm going to a Ballet with my roommate and friends from Buildabridge (due to the weather I honestly feel like watching a movie with a warm beverage... but I'm sure this will be fun). I would like to keep up on this more often… I haven’t shared this blog with a lot of people (well, until I just put the link on my facebook page), because I can never seem to decide what is appropriate to blog about. I originally created this blog to share about what is going on in my ministry with supporters, friends, and family… so, that is what I will attempt to do. J My goal is to publish my blog address in my next newsletter (which should go out next week), so that will hold me more accountable.

I’m feeling kind of preachy or something today. Maybe it’s the sleet; it’s making me contemplative? Either that or the fact that I’m wearing my glasses. It’s a toss up. So, I am just going to share what I’m thinking about today…

This morning I was trying to do something with my hair—and became frustrated because it’s in the “in between” stage. My bangs (the result of a haircut gone wrong, the hair stylist didn’t understand the word “swoopy” unfortunately…) are in that stage where they are no longer short, but are not long enough to keep out of the way. I hate that stage. Somehow, this made me start to think about how I often feel like I’m in the in between stage in my life, just like my bangs. In between college and….all the dreams and hopes that I have for my future. Sometimes I get frustrated with where I am, which either makes me want to fast forward, or go back to Michigan. But I know going backwards isn’t helpful.

Life is all about being in between; we’re always in between something. As a Christian, my whole faith and motivation for social change is centered on the fact that we are in between the Fall and the restoration of the New Jerusalem. But, while being in the in between, I have to really be here, not trying to live in the past or the future. While I was driving into work (it was merely raining at this point), I was thinking about all this, and then noticed that the car in front of me had a license plate that said “Be.” That’s all it said. I thought about it for a minute—maybe I just have to BE. (message from God, eh? I could write a book, a cheesy one maybe). I know I’m becoming more and more of who I am meant to be each day, and somehow in the midst of that I do need to just be (a weird tension). Be fully present and who God created me to be for this point in time. My work and ministry reflects the fact that I am growing as a person.

A while ago I was at church and the pastor said to take our “snow globe” dreams for our future and had them over to God. I definitely have some dreams that would fit nicely in a little snow globe. I look at them quite a bit too. Somehow since that Sunday I became really nostalgic for about three weeks, it was quite the funk. Thinking about my future dreams somehow made me think of my past, and made me incredibly unsatisfied with the present. I completely missed the point of the sermon.

In a leadership interview yesterday for a class (I was asking the questions) I was told that the key to leadership is giving a way the power, letting go, and not taking control. This is what the pastor was talking about in his sermon that Sunday. I need to let go of my dreams and desires and give them to God. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still dream. I just can’t let those dreams control me; they can’t be everything to me.

I’m reading a book with a student who went to Jubilee by Rob Bell called Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality. There is a part where he is talking about addictions and how they take up our headspace. “They get their tentacles in us, and we can’t get away from them. What started out as freedom can quickly become slavery. Often freedom is seen as the ability to do whatever you want. But freedom isn’t being able to have whatever we crave. Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it.” I don’t want to apply this quote to coffee (I will admit I’m a slave to coffee)… but I will apply it to dreams. Dreams are healthy. But we can get addicted to them, and then feel like we will not be fine if they never come true (I can anyways).

This morning I convinced myself to be content with my hair—it is just hair after all, and it could be worse. But just because I’m content doesn’t mean that my hair is going to stop growing (thank goodness). I think that’s how life is—I can be content with the knowledge that God is in control and has me here for now, but that doesn’t stop me from continuing to grow or challenge myself. I am in the in between, and always will be. And, being in the between right now is pretty great, really: I have a great job, great apartment, great students, ministry, supporters, friends, and… a new car (story for another time!).

And, can I just say that since I started feeling homesick, all of sudden people are visiting me every weekend until the end of April. It’s going to be a crazy month…